Question
Dear WGR,
Is the economy recovering finally? I keep hearing that “we’re in the middle of a recovery” or that “the recovery is starting”. But then I keep hearing it, again and again, month after month. What the heck is going on?
Sincerely,
Wondering About The Economic Recovery
Answer
Dear Wondering About The Economic Recovery,
No, the economy is not recovering. Show More Text
You can not say that the economy is recovering because one given month the new jobless claims are 440,000 instead of 445,000 from the month prior. Nothing has been done to prevent or undo the problems that have landed us here in the first place. You must first undergo a series of austerity measures, such as:
- Send all the cats back to the pound. That will save a lot of money on cat food. You’d be surprised how much you’re actually spending on that stuff.
- Stop buying vegetables at the grocery store. You’re making the fruit jealous. Unjealous fruit on a national level = better economy, so says Economics 101. Look it up, lazy bones.
- Instead of having your children do chores around the house, just leave things be. We need to conserve energy. Do you really need to have your carpets vacuumed 3x a week? No, you don’t. So stop it.
- Get mad at the Russians — but not too mad. Or they’ll stop exporting the beloved “Vlad’s Vamily Vacation” television show and you’ll suddenly be stuck with re-runs mid-season.
- If you buy one thing at a store of some kind, save yourself some future trips — buy as many things as you can stuff into your vehicle.
- Carpool! If you’re the only one driving a gigantic SUV on some errand, pick up every hitch-hiker that you see. Stop being so proud and help out your fellow man, damnit!
- Be proactive. Buy tons of coins, melt them down, and then sell the raw metals. Turn iron into gold.
And that’s just off the top of my head. I’m sure there are many other austerity measures that could be put in place to fix the down-spiralling economy of doom and headaches.
Sincerely,
Warren G.
P.S. “Vlad’s Vamily Vacation” is a pretty good show and I’d hate to see it go. It’s about a loving vamily that goes on a very, very long vacation. In Russia. I guess you’ll just have to watch the show.
