Leo: An investment firm hires you! Uh, well… to sweep the floors.
Virgo: The stock market drops upon bad economic news. Fortunately, you don’t own any stock. Yep, you don’t have a dime in the stock market. You didn’t lose a single penny!
Libra: In a moment of desperation for sugar, you bite greedily into a maple tree. Shortly thereafter, you alone send the dentist’s kids to college.
Scorpio: Your kid picks up your new iPad and ruins it. As punishment, you send your child to work in the iPad factories in China. Valuable life lessons all over the place!
Sagittarius: It turns out the scene from Home Alone where the furnace started speaking wasn’t fiction. This can happen and it’ll happen to you!
Capricorn: It’s lunch time! But your boss doesn’t believe in lunch. So, at your desk, you scarf down a chicken sandwich when he’s not looking.
Aquarius: Your visit to the circus goes haywire when you accidentally open a box of top secret popcorn. Agents descend upon you and you disappear from public records.
Pisces: A murderer sits next to you on the bus and gives you his life story. You yawn a few times and keep pinching yourself to stay awake.
Aries: You get a Smart Car. You’re enraged when the car’s text-to-speech audio processor keeps mispronouncing your name. Finally, after having been referred to as “Gee-org-huh” for the hundredth time, you drive it off a cliff.
Taurus: Just like the Mentos commercial, you sit on a park bench that had just been a few minutes ago painted white. Your suit is ruined and it doesn’t look good at all (unlike the commercial). The job interview proceeds terribly with the interviewer offering you the closing phrase, “Don’t call us.”
Gemini: You interview a potential job candidate who comes in with barely dried pant all over his suit and pants. You humor this indiscretion for a short while until he starts shifting uncomfortably, complaining about the fumes.
Cancer: You will spend a lot of money on produce at the grocery store.