Warren G. Report

Gemini: You fall in love with Kim Jong Ill, as he reminds you of the other Dear Leader, Chairman Meow. You will dance around your room, reciting some of his most celebrated speeches.

Cancer: Your recurrent failure to land a spot in a Listerine commercial will drive you to the bitter edge.  You will shout, “Does it not look as though I am swishing vigorously?!” Your gums and cheeks will become raw from fanatical Listerine overuse.

Leo: On a remote island, after having died of starvation following your consumption of the island’s last remaining coconut, no one finds you and no one gives you a proper burial.  Tough cookies.

Virgo: After framing your grandmother for ruining a priceless painting at the museum, your grandmother stops sending you birthday checks.  But hey, at least you’re not the one locked up in prison.

Libra: You are livid that several folks in your family went in on a cheap paperweight as a birthday gift for you.  Is that what you’re worth nowadays?  And do you really have papers blowing all around your cubicle?

Scorpio: You go jet-skiing, but end up crashing through a fishing trawler.  You will not be able to look at a fish for the rest of your life, much less eat one – or anything else halfway solid, for that matter.

Sagittarius: A team of automatic soap dispensers will go haywire during your next trip to a Thruway Rest Stop, very nearly drowning you in anti-bacterial suds.

Capricorn: You will eat some corn for dinner tonight, though whether this will be from the can or on the cob is not certain.

Aquarius: Next week, you will fail yet another entry exam to become a Mountie.  You’re just not cut out to be a Mountie.  You’re not a natural and you’ll never be a natural.

Pisces: The fire in your eyes will give you a migraine.

Taurus: You will sing an ode to your box of Crispix before being hauled away kicking and screaming for Crispix to the funny farm.  And do you know what they serve there?  Soft oatmeal.

Gemini: The world can never understand your yearnings!  “I yearn,” you say.  In reply, the world says, “huh?”

Cancer: You will also try out for a Listerine commercial and also not get it.  Something about screaming “it burns, it burns” and “my choppers ache” shall derail your chances.

Leo: On the remote island of you, you eat the last coconut and then starve to death.  The end.

Virgo: You accidentally spill grape juice on a famous painting at the museum and blame it on your grandmother, who was with you at the time.  The family never forgives you, but hey, you’re not the one who spent a night or two or one-hundred-and-fourteen in a dank cell.

Libra: You are given a present of a paperweight for your birthday.  What’s worse is that several folks went in on that gift.

Scorpio: You stop to smell the flowers, but a bee stings your gum line. It swells up dramatically, causing your lips to flap in the wind.

Sagittarius: An automatic soap dispenser will spook you big time. As your hands spill over with more and more liquid soap, you shriek deliriously.

Capricorn: The tax man will pay another visit to your house.  This time he’ll fold you up into a suitcase (one with wheels – he’s not stupid) for advanced asset confiscation.

Aquarius: Having been taken hostage by Canadian Criminals while on a romantic getaway in Vermont, your significant other runs off with one of the criminals, obviously impressed with his remarkable credentials.  You devote your entire life from that point forward to train to become a Mountie, but you keep failing the entry exam, you stupid ass!

Aries: You find a Klingon ridge impression deeply laid into your refrigerator, but none of them will own up to it.

Taurus: One night you will be found motionless and silent in a chair facing a table.  And on that table will be a bowl of exposed Crispix.  You’ll have been like that for so long the milk will be long spoiled.  What a tragedy.

Gemini: Let’s face it – Cupid has you in a choke hold!

Cancer: You take note of how Cupid has Gemini in an iron-grip choke hold.  That cherub isn’t going to let go any time soon.  Perhaps not ever.

Leo: On the remote island of you, you finally try the sand and find it isn’t palatable for any of the three meals.

Virgo: In the Egyptian section of the museum, you will find yourself terribly famous.  Not you so much (not at all, come to think of it), but the ancient artifact lodged in your innards.  Everyone can’t wait to see what you’re hiding in there!

Libra: You will gleefully discover that the local librarian doesn’t hit back.

Scorpio: You stop to smell the flowers, but the piranha plant gets your nose.

Sagittarius: You try your hand at magic and cause mounds of poorly-printed dollar bills to appear on the floor before you.

Capricorn: The tax man will pay a visit to your house.  If you bake a cake, he might eat it before proceeding to severely audit you.

Pisces: The next time you bowl, you’ll send the ball hurtling down the lane just in time to brutalize the pin-collector.  With that in mind, don’t be surprised when you are banned from every alley for life.  Worse, your children and your children’s children (your grand-kids) will be banned, as well.

Aries: You catch a Klingon disease that makes it very difficult to smell coffee beans.  People’ll be brewing up coffee and you’ll have no freakin’ clue.

Taurus: You will, in time, come to appreciate the deep and fantastic intricacies of Crispix.

Gemini: “I can’t go on like this, living a lie!” you’ll soon tell yourself. In a grand, romantic gesture, you’ll rent a gigantic billboard on the highway, hoping your crush drives by it.  The billboard will read, of course: “I’d rather die in your arms than live a life without you!”

Cancer: Shut up!

Leo: You will be exiled to the remote island of you.

Virgo: The next time you visit the doctor, he will find a rare Egyptian artifact between your spleen and kidneys. Two weeks later, you’ll be in a museum, behind glass.

Libra: If you don’t pay attention to the speed limit, it certainly won’t pay attention to you.

Scorpio: If butterflies make you nervous, then stop eating them, for heaven’s sake!

Sagittarius: If you like good manners, then demand it with an iron fist.

Aquarius: It never stops shaking in Earthquakeland, so don’t go there.

Pisces: When the seagull dropped a baby squarely on your head from three-hundred feet up, you swore you’d never look up at the sky again. That’s how you’ll miss the diving triplets.

Aries: The Klingons will soon eat you out of a home.  But hey, you still have your health.

Taurus: In a freak accident, you’ll break an ankle while trying to break your femur to get workman’s compensation.

Gemini: You figure that maybe if you whipped yourself into better shape, just maybe, your crush would take note.  Sighhhhhhh.

Cancer: You will begin to out-and-out lose it.  You’ll also don your head with a skillet and fight some off very concerned people with a spatula.

Leo: WGR inspires you to up-end every tree in your backyard and send every spec of sawdust to “Wasteful Ways, Incorporated.”  You’ll never be happier than you’ll be at that moment.

Virgo: You weep bitterly at the grisly passing of the Peaceful Warrior.

Libra: One of the mothers that you had jokingly insulted takes the time out of her day to explain in excruciating detail how several of these accusations simply aren’t true.

Scorpio: You knit and knit and knit and then freeze in terror as you realize that you’ve just knitted a beeping landmine.

Capricorn: Your astrological sign has a funny name.

Aquarius: It is time you sit yourself down at the police station and admit to the crime of un-funniness.  Electric chair? — If you’re lucky!

Pisces: A seagull will drop a baby on your head and put you in a neck brace for four months.

Aries: You will solve a dispute between two Klingons revolving around which of the two the family dog adores more.  This shall be accomplished by placing the canine between the two; of course, the dog will choose the first.  The second, in response, will throw himself upon his sword.

Taurus: You find that you can’t keep up with the fluffier clouds.

Gemini: You spend some time penning a song that you soon hope to send to your crush.  Maybe you can send this anonymously, but how could you muster sufficient enough gumption?  Your eyes well up as you place down the writing implement.  It’s beautiful, you artist, you.

Cancer: Your stapler will backfire with tragic results.

Leo: WGR inspires you to flush a battery down the toilet.  So long, dead cell!

Virgo: Remember, the Peaceful Warrior says: “So what if you fail horribly?”

Libra: (Ran out of steam.)

Sagittarius: The piano plays you now, and this isn’t even Mother Russia.

Capricorn: It won’t be long.

Aquarius: Your family’s Christmas tradition will be It’s a Wonderful Life followed by Ransom.

Pisces: Beware the spaghetti at your next dinner – it will be far less inert than you might care to you suspect.

Aries: You miss the next episode of American Idol because the Klingons wanted to watch UFC Unleashed.  Besides, you don’t remember promising them?

Taurus: As you see a movie in which bullet time is used one too many times, you begin to speak and act more slowly.  This doesn’t bode well for a whole host of different upcoming situations.

Gemini: Such a delicate matter! You exhume a skull out of the ground in a fit of desperation and ask it, “Is this forbidden love to be or not to be?”

Cancer: In another teachable moment on the WGR, you learn an invaluable wedding tip that you pass onto many: guard your wedding cake from unthinkable theft.

Leo: You open the wrong door at work and find yourself in Asbestos Land.  There you slay the Asbestos Beast and win the hearts of the populace before they release you back into your normal world.  You spend your later years searching for a way to return.

Virgo: You will receive a letter in the mail, addressed from the President of the great and amazing country of Brazil, for the most part accusing you of destroying the global economy.  It ruins your day and you don’t get out of bed the next morning.

Scorpio: Your bout of paper-scissors-rock competition between your two hands will land you in the hospital.  Forget about playing games (or sewing!) for a while.

Sagittarius: You turn the lights on full-blast for Earth Hour.  You throw batteries into the general trash.

Capricorn: You will be tempted.

Aquarius: You will post WGR posters on your bedroom wall.  You must!

Pisces: A magician will pull a quarter out of your ear and it will be a bloody mess.  Blech.

Aries: One Klingon breaks a vase (pronounced like “face”), but manages to get it fixed before you get home.  Can you guess which one did it?

Taurus: The Devil takes the day off possessing you; you get ice cream.

Gemini: Your sighs grow ever heavier; your heart cries out into the blackness for your crush.

Cancer: You will get steam-rolled at work – maybe literally.

Leo: You are delighted when you learn (from WGR, of course) that coughing up lungs in public isn’t quite the faux pas during Depression Years.

Libra: Your visits to the Warren G. Report will warm your soul for many years to come.

Scorpio: You will have so many mushrooms that it won’t be funny.

Sagittarius: Throw the toy soldiers out before they have an opportunity to come to life.

Capricorn: Never back down from a fight.  Deck the cranky old man next door or live to regret it.

Aquarius: Make sure that you spend your money where it matters most – the automatic salad dicer.

Pisces: Your bragging will eventually land you a book deal: “The Braggart.”  Congratulations in advance!

Aries: Make an extra copy of your keys because the Klingons aren’t going to live around your schedule.

Taurus: You will really want to sleep in, but the Devil will make you get up and unplug all the washing machines at the laundromat.  Ahem – mid-cycle.  The inconvenience spreads.

Gemini: Your most closely-guarded yearnings will continue to go woefully unfulfilled, much to your dismay.

Cancer: Though it might be incredibly tempting, you should pass on the free tickets to fly on Hindenburg II in 2014.

Virgo: Your fear of uncontrollable and sudden nostalgia worsens.

Libra: No, we’re not just making this stuff up.

Scorpio: “There is plenty of blame to go around,” you think, as you launch bowling ball after bowling ball down a traffic-laden street on a steep hill.  The bowling ball manufacturer, for one.

Sagittarius: Beware of the Scottish.

Capricorn: You will finally see “Super Man Returns after double checking to make absolutely sure that Krypton did in fact blow up 30 years ago.”  As such, you never see that $9.25 again.

Aquarius: You will find stiff resistance when you finally try to bring the beach home with you.

Pisces: Your boss will come down upon you with a pile of bricks and plaster when the floor beneath him gives.

Aries: The Klingons will extend their stay in your home when they realize that they’ve essentially run out of gas due to a metric/English mistake.

Taurus: You go outside for some good old exorcise.

Gemini: You catch a raging case of Spring Fever as you nervously pine away for a co-worker.