Warren G. Report

Question

Dear WGR,

Is the economy recovering finally? I keep hearing that “we’re in the middle of a recovery” or that “the recovery is starting”. But then I keep hearing it, again and again, month after month. What the heck is going on?

Sincerely,
Wondering About The Economic Recovery

Answer

Dear Wondering About The Economic Recovery,

No, the economy is not recovering.  You can not say that the economy is recovering because one given month the new jobless claims are 440,000 instead of 445,000 from the month prior.  Nothing has been done to prevent or undo the problems that have landed us here in the first place.  You must first undergo a series of austerity measures, such as:

• Send all the cats back to the pound.  That will save a lot of money on cat food.  You’d be surprised how much you’re actually spending on that stuff.
• Stop buying vegetables at the grocery store.  You’re making the fruit jealous.  Unjealous fruit on a national level = better economy, so says Economics 101. Look it up, lazy bones.
• Instead of having your children do chores around the house, just leave things be.  We need to conserve energy.  Do you really need to have your carpets vacuumed 3x a week?  No, you don’t.  So stop it.
• Get mad at the Russians — but not too mad.  Or they’ll stop exporting the beloved “Vlad’s Vamily Vacation” television show and you’ll suddenly be stuck with re-runs mid-season.
• If you buy one thing at a store of some kind, save yourself some future trips — buy as many things as you can stuff into your vehicle.
• Carpool!  If you’re the only one driving a gigantic SUV on some errand, pick up every hitch-hiker that you see.  Stop being so proud and help out your fellow man, damnit!
• Be proactive.  Buy tons of coins, melt them down, and then sell the raw metals.  Turn iron into gold.

And that’s just off the top of my head.  I’m sure there are many other austerity measures that could be put in place to fix the down-spiralling economy of doom and headaches.

Sincerely,
Warren G.

P.S. “Vlad’s Vamily Vacation” is a pretty good show and I’d hate to see it go. It’s about a loving vamily that goes on a very, very long vacation. In Russia. I guess you’ll just have to watch the show.

Question

Dear Warren G.,

What do the following words mean?  I don’t know what they mean.  Tell me what they mean.

• Hort
• Wintergrasp
• Lichens
• Inability

Sincerely,

Mr. Arizona

Answer

Dear Mr. Arizona,

Here are the definitions:

Show More Text

Question

Dear WGR,

What is Prison Town?

Sincerely,

Wondering What It Is

Answer

Dear Wondering What It Is,

Prison Town used to be a regular, run-of-the-mill city of not too large proportions.  Then one day, one of the politicians living in the city came up with the brilliant idea of instituting a program whereby the families of the prisoners living in the city’s prison could be moved and housed near the jail.  All this, of course, to snag generous and bountiful federal monie$.  Not long after, the area surrounding the jail facility became far more dangerous to live in than inside the jail itself — after all, at least the jail had trained and armed guards.

So yes, Prison Town is literally that: a city chock full of prison folk, in all its stealing, beating, rampaging, tire-squealing, dealin’, and screaming goodness.

Sincerely,

Warren G.

P.S., one thing that the bonafide Prison Town isn’t is that joke of a town that was featured in a PBS special.  There is only one Prison Town.

Question

Dear WGR,

I’ve seen a large number of people around my office wearing suits of pure, shining white.  Those are distracting like you wouldn’t believe!  Come on, did Colonel Sanders make a comeback or something?

Sincerely,

Fear The Suit Of White

Answer

Show More Text

Question

Dear WGR,

I have a two-fold question letter for you.  First, what is trickenosis and why is it getting such a bad rap all the time?  Also, on a recent visit to a family-favorite restaurant, I was accused of being a racist by some people at another table all because I declined the fried ice cream that was included with my meal.  But I don’t like fried ice cream.

Sincerely,

Dislikes Fried Ice Cream

Answer

Dear Dislikes Fried Ice Cream,

Trichinosis is the pig’s way of exacting revenge much in the way that Montezuma did — long after they were dead, which is pretty amazing, if you ask me.  Each pig, when faced with certain death in the slaughter house, for the most part knows what the deal is.  They understand that they’re going to end up as bacon, ham, pork chops, pork grinds, etc.  Thus, many elect the option of poisoning themselves silly so that when they end up on the dinner table, the people who eat them get what was coming to them — trichinosis.

He might get the last laff.

On the fried ice cream front, I would strongly recommend attending advanced sensitivity training.

Sincerely,

Warren G.

Question

Dear WGR,

I love playing video games, especially games like Dragon Age and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.  Unfortunately, my wife is not supportive of my gaming habits and, well, starts fires whenever I try to play.

Read On:
Show More Text

Question

Dear WGR,

The Warren G. Report has been for me and my family, and for all the other families out there, a national landmark.  Maybe even a national treasure.  It’s like the Washington Monument, but doesn’t take up a whole bunch of space or constantly try to stab at the sky and its clouds.

Sincerely,

National Landmark Enjoyer

Answer

Dear National Landmark Enjoyer,

That’s not a question, my friend.  Still, the Warren G. Report has been around longer than the Washington Monument or the Grand Canyon, only it didn’t have any content published to it until around March of 2007.  America loves its national treasures.  Whereas the Hoover Dam holds back a good many gallons of the waterworks, the WGR releases the waterworks, as millions of Americans weep in an overwhelming rush of joy every time there is a new posting.  Plus, you don’t have to risk losing your luggage every time you visit the WGR.  That’s just plain remarkable in and of itself.

Sincerely,

Warren G.

Question

Dear WGR,

I suffer from bad tinnitus. Sometimes my ears ring so loud at night, my dogs start to howl. What’s going on here?

Sincerely,

Suffering Through The Cacophony

Answer

Dear Suffering Through The Cacophony,

I would say that there is no good tinnitus, first.  Further, tinnitus is often the conscience making a last-ditch effort to get your attention.  The reason why you hear it at night is because the conscience usually sleeps during the day.  The dogs howling probably means that they’ve aided you in the same crime that you’ve committed (robbery? murder?), so their consciences are bothering them, as well.

Please turn yourself in.  And the dogs.

Sincerely,

Warren G.

Question

Dear WGR,

A while back I played this game called the “World of Warcraft” and created a shaman character who got very far in the game.  HE got up to character level 63 and that is pretty high in the game (at least when I was playing it).  My character casted totems to fight monsters.  Some of the totems helped me out and the other totems fired weapons at the monsters.

I didn’t like the game but I kept playing because I was always reassured that it would get better as soon as I got one level higher or something.  But it never did.  I kept getting attacked by other players and they would keep guard over my body for hours so I could not resurrect.  So I asked myself this question: “Why AM I playing this game where other people can make sure that I stay dead for hours on end?”  After I asked myself that question, I realized that I should stop and put the game up on the shelf, so to speak (it doesn’t need the CD to play it).  That was more than a year ago.

Recently, some of my co-workers got back into the game and they stopped playing Modern Warfare 2 for X-Bocks on Gaming Night.  It was classic textbook abandonedment (sic).  Now I’m having second thoughts about keeping the “World of Warcraft” up on that shelf, so to speak.  Is this a difficult choice or what?

Sincerely,

Tired Of All The Quests

P.S. It was really weird how the totems didn’t stack on top of each other into a pole.  I couldn’t figure that one out.

This is what I would do to fight the monsters.

Answer

Dear Tired Of All The Quests,

Level 63 is still kind of a high level these days in the “World of Warcraft”.  As painful and exasperating as it may have been, I highly encourage you to not let your prior experiences sour you forever on the game.  Remember, when the game gets boring, you can always watch your favorite movie or have music playing in another window.  That is the beauty of it.

Sincerely,

WGR

Question

Dear WGR,

To my horror, I had just discovered a few deep wrinkles around my eyes.  My husband said, “Don’t worry.  You’ll grow into them.”

How should I take that?

Sincerely,

Aging Before My Time

Answer

Dear Aging Before My Time,

Not to worry!  The Warren G. Report brand, as it happens, is about to put out an anti-aging cream out on the market that completely reverses the marks that time etches into one’s forehead, corners of eyes, mouth, etc. We tried it on some test animals a couple weeks ago and nothing bad happened. It is really quite amazing.

See proof picture below.

Happy to solve your problem,

WGR

Wow, just wow!